There you are, lying next to each other, bathing in the afterglow of the craziest, most amazing night you’ve ever had when he pops the question,
“So, what are we?”
Up to this point, everything has gone right – the butterflies in your stomach from the prospect of going out with this guy for the first time washed away by champagne and a meal at an absolutely beautiful restaurant leading up to the giggling, fumbling hands as you stumble into a cab and tumble out and into his bed. It feels perfect and it feels like it’s going somewhere. And yet you can tell from his tone of voice that he’s not dying to hear you say, “What do you mean? Of course we’re together now!”
Reason #1: He’s not sure if you’re the one
Let’s start with the least cruel of possibilities. He’s just come out of a relationship and is still figuring things out. Maybe this didn’t come up before, maybe you were having such a great time you forgot to ask. Maybe you were so excited by all the “Good morning” and “How was your day” messages from this beautiful stranger you didn’t want to find out about anything that might destroy it all. But the truth is, you’re just a stepping stone in his journey of self-discovery. Perhaps if you can convince him to go out with you a couple more times, he might realise that hey, you’re the one. There’s still a chance there, but you’ve also got to decide if you want to be that one out of ten girls he’s hanging out and figuring out things, I mean, figuring things out with.
Reason #2: He’s making a list, and checking it never
You’ve got to give it to him for being such a goddamn charmer. But you also deserve to have a truckload of pancakes and maple syrup dumped over your head for not having smelt the slime from a mile away. There’s a bit of truth there when someone says, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t.” This is one of those guys who’s just using you so he can kiss and tell and tell again. On the bright side, he may not even have been paying you that much attention at all, anxious to get it over with so he can brag about it. In a month or so, he’s not going to remember your face or your name. So chin up, now that we’re done with the shitty one, we can move over to the heavy one.
Reason #3: He’s never been loved before
He’s got his nose nuzzled into the curve of your neck, warm and breathing softly, fast asleep as you lie awake, vowing to never let him go even though he’s just told you that he doesn’t know what love means. You’ve had a great conversation, talked about some really heavy stuff, but now you also know that his mother walked out on his alcoholic father when he was 6 years old and his father committed suicide a year later. You also now know that he’s spent the most of his life trying to be that great guy everyone wants to date only to end up being cheated on time and time again. Now he really likes you, but he feels like he may leave you before he even knows why he’s doing it. After all, he leaves everyone, because leaving is the only way in which he’s ever seen love express itself.
Reason #4: He’s still growing up
This one’s kinda tough to hate. He looks at you with those cute puppy dog eyes and says, “I really had no idea what that was all about. But it was fun wasn’t it? Let’s do it again?” It makes you want to pack up and leave but it also makes you want to sort of scratch him behind the ears on your way out. This guy has probably never had a serious relationship before, been spoilt by his parents to the point that things just come and go in his life and he just goes with it. He just doesn’t know what he wants. If you stay, he’ll go with it. If you leave, well, he’ll just let himself be left behind.
Reasons #5: He’s just a regular guy
Up to this point, we’ve cut through a lot of the bullshit out there that guys like to throw around to justify why they can’t be with you even though you’re smart and beautiful and (you can finish this up yourself), but let’s also try to be reasonable. As much as some guys can be real jerks, they’re human too. They’re all working through some stuff, trying to figure out what they want and what they’re good for. A lot of the time when people put themselves out there (guys and gals alike), they’re showing you the best part of themselves. It’s when they’re naked and vulnerable that the real questions become so much harder to answer. So don’t freak out when this happens, maybe he just needs you to meet him halfway.
It’s tough when things are going great to finally realise that the guy isn’t who you thought he was. Since we’re in the mood for throwing cliches around today, here’s another one: It’s always going well until it isn’t. How many times have you found yourself looking at the guy you once thought was perfect and thought to yourself, “How could I have never seen this coming?” But there you are. It happens, and perhaps there might be another article round the corner about how one might look out for guys who aren’t ready to commit.
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