Mathematically, Tarzan and Jane could only last 19 years

By Yiyang Teo 1 year agoNo Comments
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Not too long ago, in a place far, far away from the mystical jungle, MSN held 2,000 men and women emotionally captive and pieced together a formula to prophesy the length of every romantic relationship. The survey revealed that both men and women preferred partners with a good sense of humour, and a quarter of them thought an appropriate number of ex-lovers their partners should have before them is four. While women valued intelligence, men appreciated good looks.

“The MSN Spring love formula can help determine the traits we should be looking for,” says love expert Corinne Sweet. “It can even indicate how long a relationship might last, based on compatibility and mutual goals.”

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This destiny-defining formula masterfully matched together the subtlest of factors for the perfect balance, and it flourished so well that it soon reached the ears of sweet, blissful Jane in the mystical jungle during one of her well-deserved phone breaks.

Though it had only been five months, it was more than fair (at least to Jane) to think Tarzan and Jane would last an eternity – until this. Jane was petrified. She knew Tarzan would make nothing of it, but she knew better than to take the risk. So to their secret hideout they went. And with quill and bark, they crunched.

The MSN Spring love formula

L = 8 + .5Y – .2P + .9Hm + .3Mf + J – .3G – .5(Sm – Sf)2 + I + 1.5C

L: Length in years of the relationship, with all other variables scaled from 1 to 5 in increasing order of importance.
Y: Number of years interacting before going steady
P: Number of previous partners added together
Hm: How important honesty is to the male
Mf: How important money is to the female
J: How important they find humour added together
G: How important good looks are added together
Sm and Sf: How important they treat sex
I: How important it is to have good in-laws added together
C: How important it is to have children added together

Tarzan and Jane’s calculation

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Y: 0.083 (Just one month. It was love at first sight for Tarzan and Jane!)
P: 4 (Obviously, the jungle man had been lonely and celibate before meeting this girl. But to his disbelief, she reveals a shocking total of four exes.)
Hm: 5 (Tarzan is still furious.)
Mf: 1 (She promises vehemently that it’s not important. He believes her wholeheartedly. Was there any other way?)
J: 3 (He has no idea how to answer this – 1. She says it’s okay, we’re stronger than this – 2.)
G: 10 (Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.)
Sm, Sf: 5, 5 (You bet they enjoy the jungle.)
I: 2 (As long as they don’t kill us in our sleep.)
C: 4 (Too soon for the settling down talk…)
L = 8 + .5(0.083) – .2(4) + .9(5) + .3(1) + 3 – .3(10) – .5(0)2 + I + 1.5(4) = 19.04

L = 19 years

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What would happen 19 years from the present? It was unfathomable for Jane, who was willing to give up civilisation and all her pride for this jungle man. A blank face led to tears, and Tarzan embraced the crying Jane. “There, there,” he said. He still had little clue of the awkward magic she just spoke of. He just knew he would always beat the odds.

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 Yiyang Teo

  (5 articles)

Yiyang dreams the future and colours the past in the present, because only through a seamless thread may we make full connections. When free, he finds ways to dig into the unfound tunnels on our planet.

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