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We’d all like to think that if we were able to predict the future, we would somehow end up not making the often silly, sometimes destructive decisions that at one point seemed like everything we wanted. Yet we want things for different reasons. And knowing that it’s all going to fall apart … Well, would that make you less attracted to the person you’re in love with? Would you still think to yourself, “I’m special. This can’t happen to me. Not me. Not us.”?
I can’t argue that I missed the signs. They were all there. But I thought, this time would be different. It was intoxicating, the way in which we avoided labels, how we’d look at each other and I would just know; I wouldn’t just know that you knew, I would know also that I knew, that I had found something worth holding on to. And it’s strange when you think about it, the kinds of things we get caught up in when we’re young and literally free–we have so much time on our hands that our imaginations take over. You were ‘Online’, my messages were ‘Read’, yet conversation remained silent. Paranoid, I looked up his name. His status too, read ‘Online’.
It wasn’t as though there was anything abrupt or different in the way things disintegrated. You were the one that got away, but not for reasons one normally associates with this tragic concept of having let a good thing go. I realised, we’re in it for different reasons. 2 months after we’d first gotten to know each other, it was Valentine’s Day. We were out, just us, and we were still ambiguous. Turning to me, you said, “If only you’d ask me to be yours, we’d be a couple by now.” If ever I had looked up at the sky and asked for a sign, that would have been it. I just smiled.
I assumed we had an understanding. But our meals kept getting longer. We’d order more dishes so we would be too occupied to speak to each other. We knew it was over, but it was way too soon. You still told me how special I was. You just never said it that way anymore. On hindsight, I see the signs that I missed. The way I pushed you to pursue your dreams when you needed just that extra day to waste, to have no responsibilities, to feel young. You would wince, as though regretting the day you decided to be honest about what you wanted. Yet that’s the thing. That’s what you wanted. You just wanted it. That’s the only thing we were good at: Wanting.
Because I wanted you to be someone else as well. It wasn’t enough that I had your attention. I wanted to do more with your heart than anyone else who had been there before me, and so I tried to transform you from concept into reality. To your credit, you liked who I made you want to be. You loved the idea of it. But you realised, much sooner than I did, how it was a skin that would never fit.
So, you were the one that got away. Only because I never wanted you in the first place. At least not you in the sense of who you really were. To be fair, you let yourself go. You showed yourself the way out and let me come to my own conclusions. At the same time, we were both so far gone in what we allowed ourselves to believe, the separation was easy. I woke up one morning, you were still there, but I didn’t want you anymore.
Was this ever about love? Is love something you’re supposed to recognise when it shows up dressed in mascara, a blue dress and a mouthful of promises?
LunchClick is Singapore’s first female-centric dating app, developed by the dating experts behind the Lunch Actually Group, the biggest dating agency in South East Asia with over 10 years of proven track record. LunchClick is perfect for serious daters and singles looking to find love – we’re SDN (Social Development Network) accredited, and we manually approve all profiles to ensure that you only meet genuine & quality singles. No swiping, no chatting, just offline dates! What are you waiting for? Download the app on the Play Store or App Store today!